did this a while back. I did it first for some of my ladies, but then I got bored one day and let my head-canon interpretations of the Sawyer brothers have a go at it. It quickly derailed... I love it. No Kelly though. He was locked in a cell and distracted with a laser pointer, which he lodged in his rectum after the light failed to burn him.
Warning: Necrophilia, Nazis, murder, family arguments, general weirdness as you'd expect from a family of cannibal killers.
1. Let’s do this. The sooner we start, the sooner it’s over...Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Drayton: The hell you mean ‘friends list?!’
Nubbins: Facebook, genius.
Drayton: The hell is facebook?!
Nubbins: You are such a fossil.
Drayton: Fuck you, you nitwit.
Nubbins: Not even if you paid me.
Mikey: No incesty.
Bubba: 
2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
Mikey: Anytime!!! Sex is that thing where you bump your butts together, right?
Nubbins: …And Ma said not teaching us about sex was better. Proof of bullshit right here!
Drayton: Whenever I can get some goddamn privacy!
Nubbins: You work alone at the station all day!
Mikey: But he don’t have his porn and uniform!
Drayton: And customers might come in.
Mikey: Yeah, nobody wants to see that! Heehee!
Drayton: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Bubba: 
3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Mikey: It’s a twin bunk!
Nubbins: Mine too. We’ve had ‘em since we were kids. Cookie’s too cheap to get us new big ones.
Drayton: You don’t like your beds, go get jobs and pay for your own damn shit!
Nubbins: I got that job at the slaughterhouse moppin’ guts and you just bitched all the time that I couldn’t help with the killin’! Make up your fuckin’ mind!
Drayton: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Bubba: 
4. Do you masturbate?
Drayton: None of your damn business.
Mikey: Yes he does. He dresses like Hitler.
Drayton: SHUT UP!!
Nubbins: What do you think I do with my spare time when no cars pass by my hitching stretch? Cookie won’t let me bring a book.
Drayton: DON’T CALL ME THAT YOU DIPSHIT!
Bubba: 
5. How often? Lately?
Mikey: I dunno.
Nubbins: Every six hours at least.
Drayton: Like I said, whenever I can get the time and priv-EVERY SIX HOURS?! You’re the dumbshit who’s been eatin’ through our paper towel supply!
Nubbins: So sue me. I’ll just jizz on everything from now on.
Bubba: 
6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Mikey: No, but I did run through base camp butt naked on a dare once!
Nubbins: The drill sergeant damn near shit himself.
Drayton: You’re a fuckin’ idiot.
Bubba:
7. Do you prefer showers or baths?
Mikey: We only have a bathtub in our side of the house. Drayton don’t let us use his shower.
Nubbins: We tried to make a shower head for it, but it just showed that we’re meant for destroying shit, not makin’ it.
Drayton: Not to mention the water damage you dumbasses caused! Y’all still owe me for that shit!
Nubbins: Yeah yeah, I’ll tell ya next time I make a withdrawal from my Swiss bank account.
Mikey: *gasp* You got one of those?!
Bubba: 
8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
Nubbins: A few times, when I was cleanin’ my ‘friends.’
Drayton: You damn well have better cleaned out the tub but good!!
Nubbins: It all goes down the fuckin’ drain! You never go in there anyway except to look and piss and moan that we don’t clean things good enough!
Drayton: It needs to stay clean for when we bathe Grampa! You want him getting a disease from your dead bodies?!
Nubbins: H. Christ, man! He sits in his own shit and piss half the time! You think a few dead skin cells are gonna make a difference?
Mikey: *burp* What was the question?
Bubba:
9. Do you watch/read pornography? With other people?
Nubbins: Do old surgical photos count?
Drayton: Goddamn you’re fucked.
Nubbins: Yeah, says the guy who keeps a library of Nazi fetish porn under his bed!
Drayton: Don’t you fuckin’ judge me!!
Mikey: JC Penny catalogs give me a woody.
Bubba: 
10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Nubbins: Dead. WHAT?!
Drayton: None of your damn business.
Mikey: I dunno.
Bubba:
11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
Drayton: There’s that damn friends list again.
Mikey: List? Enlist????
Drayton: Oh fuck my ear…
Nubbins: How’d he miss it the first time?
Mikey: IT’S ‘NAM LAND!!!!!!! WHEEEAAAARRRRRRRRR *EXPLOSION*
Drayton: Just kill me now…
12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
Mikey: *BOOM BOOM* CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH! FIRE IN THE HOLE!! LOOK OUT FOR CHARLIE AT 12 O’CLOCK!! *BOOM BOOM*
Drayton: QUIT IT WITH THE FUCKING LIST ALREADY!!!
13. Would you choose love or money?
Nubbins: Dead bodies are cheap.
Mikey: That ain’t what he asked.
Nubbins: None of the above?
Drayton: Money. Do I look stupid to you? … If either of you dipshits answer that, I’ll kick your asses into next week!
Bubba: 
Mikey: Aww off in DJ-land…
14. Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
Nubbins: Does necrophilia count?
Mikey: ASS TO ASS!!!
Drayton: How the blue fuck does that even work--scratch that. I don’t want to know.
Mikey: Everyone has a butt!
Bubba: 
15. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Nubbins: Well when limbs start falling off it’s time to—oh. No, not in that sense.
Mikey: That Lieutenant made me change my underwear.
Nubbins: Did you really think he was gonna let you wear Auntie Mae’s bloomers around base camp?
Drayton: If you were any dumber, Mikey, I’d have to water you.
Bubba: 
16. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
Nubbins: A graveyard. Hey, it’s spontaneous and a little bit dangerous since I just dug ‘em up.
Drayton: You’re gonna get caught one day and I ain’t gonna feel one bit sorry for you.
Mikey: Says the guy who bangs highway hookers in the bed of the truck…
Drayton: They ain’t hookers; you think I’m made of money?! And I can’t bring ‘em home ‘cause you fucknuts will scare ‘em off!
Nubbins: I think your Nazi shit would scare off any self-respecting woman. Prostitute or not.
17. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Nubbins: Graveyard again. Only I went in the coffin. I don’t think I’m gonna do that again; damn near got shut in with her.
Mikey: I wanna try that!
Nubbins: You don’t even like dead bodies that way! You twerked against that one old lady’s butt last year saying ‘ew ew ew’ and gave up!
Mikey: I meant with someone alive! DUH!
Drayton: Like anyone alive would even consider it.
Mikey: That’s rich coming from you; you look like Yoda!
Drayton: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Nubbins: Don’t insult the Jedi master that way, bro. Yoda deserves more respect than that.
Drayton: I SAID SHUT UP!! 
Bubba: 
18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
Drayton: Every other time I try to jack off, numbnuts here has some big fucking announcement. Busts in and interrupts.
Mikey: I can’t help it if you always get horny when cool shit happens.
Drayton: You can fucking wait to tell me, you idiot!
Nubbins: Uhhhhh try locking the door, genius! Works wonders in the privacy department!
Drayton: FUCK OFF!
Bubba: 
19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Drayton: Yes.
Nubbins: Yep. Boring.
Mikey: I stole some clothes from one.
Bubba:
20. Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
Drayton: It’s about the only way I can.
Nubbins: Beer goggles are essential when Drayton’s the one hitting on you.
Drayton: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Mikey: Do what now?
Bubba:
21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
Mikey: Apparently you can’t just walk into a biker bar. Buncha narrow-minded asses.
Drayton: In a tutu.
Mikey: Ain’t like the lady who owned it needs it anymore!
22. Ever been picked up in a bar?
Drayton: Since I drive I do the picking up.
Mikey: He had a pickup truck and the devil’s eyes!
Drayton: IF I HEAR THAT SOUNDTRACK ONE MORE TIME I’M GONNA BREAK YOUR GODDAMN STEREO!!
Nubbins: Lighten up already!
Bubba: 
23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
Drayton: The fuck kind of pervert do you think I am?!
Nubbins: Wow. Way to show your ass to the world. And yeah. I prefer female corpses, but I’m not gonna turn down a good fuck on account of genitals.
Mikey: Do what now? Oh! Yeah! I like everything!
Bubba:
24. What's your sexuality?
Drayton: Straight as an arrow.
Nubbins: Meh. Heteroflexible with a taste for corpses.
Mikey: I like everything!
Bubba: 
Drayton: Not the fuckin’ DJ again…
25. Had sex in a movie theater?
Drayton: When I was seventeen.
Nubbins: No. Hard to sneak a dead body into a theater. And it’s harder to kill someone in one than you’d think.
Mikey: Nope!
Bubba:
Mikey: Yeah, you just did it at the radio station!
Bubba: 
26. Had sex in a bathroom?
Drayton: In a dive bar. Bitch puked all over the floor when we were done.
Nubbins: No kidding.
Drayton: SHUT UP!
Nubbins: Yeah. I give my friends baths and sometimes get carried away.
Mikey: Some drunk guy peed on my leg in a rest stop bathroom. Does that count?
Nubbins: Only if you want it to, bro.
Bubba:
27. Have you ever had sex at work?
Drayton: Yes, I have.
Nubbins: When’d that happen?!
Drayton: That quartet of co-eds from last spring. The brunette one with the scorpion tattoo on her ass.
Nubbins: … I kept her! You didn’t tell me you’d poked her!
Drayton: I didn’t think it was relevant.
Nubbins: The fuck yes it’s relevant!
Mikey: What’s that mean?
Nubbins: Not now, Mikey. I coulda gotten your acid spunk on my junk!
Drayton: You always wash the damn things! You freak out over the dumbest shit, I swear to god…
Mikey: Does it have anything to do with being related?
Nubbins: In a minute, Mikey! Can you at least warn me next time you get fucky with one of our targets? That way I can pick a different one to keep!
Drayton: Whatever.
Mikey: What’s relativent mean?!
Drayton: IT DOESN’T MATTER, YOU DIPSHIT!
Mikey: You don’t have to yell at me. 
Nubbins: It means something matters. And it’s ‘relevant.’
Mikey: Ooooooh. Okay!
Bubba:
28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
Drayton: Yes.
Nubbins: Yeah. I got booted out for knocking over a display stand.
Mikey: And I got arrested for shop-liftin’! 
Bubba:
29. Bought something from an adult store?
Drayton: Yes.
Nubbins: I was gonna buy lube, since dead bodies don’t produce it (not in any way you want to think about), but then Mikey started rough-housing me and I slammed into the display rack.
Drayton: Last time I took you fuckwads anywhere public…
Mikey: I had a butt kit under my shirt, but I got caught.
Nubbins: The box was wider than you. It was a little obvious.
Mikey: I tried tellin’ the owner I was pregnant. Didn’t work.
Drayton: 
Bubba:
30. Do you own any sex toys?
Drayton: None of your business!
Nubbins: Just my two hands!
Mikey: I collect them off the meat. I have no idea what most of ‘em do, but they make great decorations!
Bubba:
31. If yes, how many and what are they?
Drayton: What part of ‘none of your business’ do you not understand?!
Nubbins: And what part of ‘TMI’ don’t you understand?!
Drayton: The fuck is ‘TMI?!’
Nubbins: ‘Too much information.’ You’re supposed to overshare!
Mikey: Uh DUUUUUUUUUH!!!!
Drayton: I’m gonna smack both y’all across the chops if you keep sassin’ me!!
Bubba:
32. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Nubbins: I got a whole shoebox-full. Keeps me happy when I don’t have any new friends.
Mikey: I Xeroxed my ass. That count?
Drayton: You are such a fucking child.
Mikey: Oh go fuck a duck. I had fun doing it!
Bubba:
33. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Drayton: Half the time I never even find out their names. The fuck do I care?
Nubbins: Same here. But they’re dead. Drayton, you’re a dick.
Mikey: I can’t remember.
Drayton: All this time I’ve been biting back the urge to tell them all you’re a virgin, Mikey.
Mikey: No I ain’t. I did stuff in ‘Nam. I just didn’t tell YOU ‘cause it’s none-a your business! *blows raspberry*
Bubba:
34. Have you ever had phone sex?
Nubbins: We ain’t got a phone. And it wouldn’t do much for a necrophiliac.
35. Have you ever had cyber sex?
Drayton: The fuck you talkin’ about?
Mikey: I humped a computer once! I was bored and kind of curious. It was dusty and I got a scratch on my balls. No fun.
Drayton: You’re fuckin’ nuts.
Mikey: *blows raspberry*
Bubba:
36. Do you think oral sex constitutes a form of intercourse?
Nubbins: Yeah. I mean if all you have is a severed head, that’s what you gotta do.
Drayton: If I spurt goo, it’s good enough for me.
Mikey: Me likey!
Bubba:
37. What's your favorite sexual position?
Mikey: You can do it in different positions?
Drayton: You’re a fucking virgin.
Mikey: *blows raspberry*
Nubbins: I’m not usually one to agree with Cookie, but Jesus Christ…
Mikey: I only did it one way, m’KAY!
Drayton: Bullshit.
Mikey: Y’know what? I got nothing to prove to you! 
Bubba:
38. What's your favorite sex act?
Mikey: Ass to ass!!
Nubbins: If that’s your definition of sex, no wonder you’re confused on the whole position thing.
Drayton: That ain’t sex. That’s just disgusting.
Mikey: Well someone’s a little close-minded, ain’t they! Kink shamer!
Drayton: Fuck off! Y’all get on my shit for the Nazi thing all the time!
Nubbins: ‘Cause you’re fetishizing a genocidal maniac!
Drayton: Pot, meet kettle.
Nubbins: Oh no you didn’t. Bumping off a few tourists every month or so ain’t even close to genocide!
Drayton: It’s still killin’ people!
Nubbins: It ain’t pissin’ on Pa’s grave after he shed fucking blood to stop those goose-stepping fucks!
Drayton: Oh cry me a fucking river! Pa was a goddamn coward who ran happily into the cannon’s mouth to get away from his wife.
Nubbins: Don’t you DARE call Pa a coward! He had five-hundred times the balls you do, COOKIE!!
Drayton: DON’T FUCKING CALL ME THAT! AND IF HE WAS SO BALLSY, WHY DIDN’T HE DIVORCE OR KILL THE BITCH?! He just got himself all fucked up and came home to die a slow death and left us with that zealot control freak who shat us out her snatch. Had to wait for Bubba to get sick of her bullshit before we were totally rid of her…
Nubbins: Well, I certainly see more of her than Pa in you!
Drayton: GODDAMN STUPID DUMBSHIT MORON FUCKWAD!!!!
Mikey: Stop fighting! 
Bubba: 
39. Ever had sex with more than one person at once?
Nubbins: Maintaining one dead body is enough work.
Drayton: Yes. And the details are-
Nubbins: No one’s business. We fucking get it already!
Drayton: SHUT UP!
Nubbins: Make me, hog-nose!
Mikey: Um. I think so… yeah?
Drayton: Yeah right. In your acid-fueled day-dreams, fucking hippie.
Mikey: Right. That tears it. *ahem* Drayton likes to whack off to Nazi fetish porn dressed up as Hitler or an S.S. guy. He also enjoys trolling dive bars for women who fetishize creepy Hobbit men. Or are too drunk to care. Take your pick. He uses hand lotion and a sock when he’s by himself, and he never locks the door. Also he gets constipated A LOT and can’t aim straight to pee. He snores louder than Bubba’s chainsaw and his farts shake the upper floor I shit you not. Oh and he collects severed vulvas. That’s all you’ll ever need to know about Drayton’s sex life and body functions!
Drayton: 
Bubba: 
Nubbins: 
Mikey: 
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