Deviation Actions
This time I'm dusting off Kelly! Take it away, Caesar Flickerman!
Caesar: Oh gods no please...
1) What is your name?
Kelly: *BURRRRP* I'm Kelly, and I like farting in public pools!
2) Ew. Do you know why you were named that?
Kelly: Nope. I want to pet your hair! Can I???
Caesar: HEY! Personal bubble here!
3) Are you single or taken? I'm guessing single...
Kelly: Beans beans the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you toot!
4) Have any abilities or powers?
Kelly: The more you toot, the better you feel, so let's have beans at every meal!
5) Stop singing!
Kelly: Can I whistle?
Caesar: NO.
Kelly: Can I hum?
Caesar: NO!
6) What's your eye color?
Kelly: I dunno.
Caesar: I see brown.
7) How about hair color?
Kelly: Purple?
Caesar: Goddammit, GREY!
8) Have you any family members? Heaven help them.
Kelly: I have an imaginary friend called Reginald. He thinks he's real!
Reggie: I AM REAL!
9) Oh? How about pets?
Kelly: PENIS!!
10) You confuse me. Now tell me something you don't like.
Kelly: LALALALALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
11) Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?
Kelly: I pee in the shower!!!
12) That's revolting! Have you hurt anyone in any way before?
Kelly: I shoot people!
13) Ever...killed anyone before?
Kelly: Yep! Ever seen a guy's head go IT'S SO COOL!!!
14) You need help, my friend. What kind of animal are you?
Kelly: Uuuuuuuhhhh...
Reggie: Lemme help. He's an opossum. And I'm a bat if anyone was curious.
15) Name your worst habits?
Kelly:HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FUNKY HAIRDO! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
16) Why...? Do you look up to anyone at all?
Kelly: I looked up a rain gutter once and got leaves in my face.
17) Are you gay, straight, or bisexual?
Kelly: WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!! SEX MAKES BABIEEEEES!!
18) Are you gonna answer any of my questions directly?!
Kelly: NO!
19) You just did. Ever wanna marry and have kids one day? I really hope not.
Kelly: I ate a bug just now.
20) Do you have fangirls/fanboys? They seem to like anything these days... HEY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! PULL YOUR PANTS UP!
Kelly: Hehehe, plop!
Caesar: WHAT THE FU--YOU TOOK A SHIT ON MY INTERVIEW COUCH!
Kelly: When you gotta go you gotta go!
Caesar: *throws down question sheet* That's it. I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore.
Me: You're over halfway through-
Caesar: NO. I talked to that creepy, pickled cat-lady who wanted to get down my pants in the worst way. I talked to Prosper's version of my mother and heard things I did NOT need to know. I talked to the personification of evil lust and still can't figure out if she wanted to fuck me or use my intestines as a boa. I talked to that Mok thing who was almost as scary-looking as the Swag Hag, despite being way more polite. I talked to his female self who I'm pretty sure wanted to get Effie and me into some kind of three-way or orgy with her partners. I talked to a deadly assassin who sent more chills down my spine with her eyes than Foxy's President Snow. I even talked to that... I can't even say the name she scared me so fucking badly! And NOW. THERE. IS. A. SHIT. ON. THAT. CHAIR. I'M. FUCKING. DONE. BYE.
Me:Change of plans, folks. The rest of the interview will be conducted by Mok.
Mok: What?! Why?
Me: Reasons. Get in there.
21) What are you most afraid of? And what is that smell...?
Kelly: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! IT'S GOLLUM!!
22) Guess that answers that question. What do you usually wear? As if I even care...
Kelly: Can I pull your stretchy face???
Mok: Do you want to lose a few fingers?
Kelly: I don't think so...
Mok: Then you had better not.
23) What's one food that tempts you?
Kelly: BEANS BEANS, THE MUSICAL FRUIT! THE MORE YOU EAT THE MORE YOU TOOT! THE MORE YOU TOOT, THE BETTER YOU FEEL; SO LET'S HAVE BEANS AT EVERY MEAL!!!
Mok: One, quit fucking singing or I'll rip your throat out with my bare hands. Two, I think you've had enough beans.
24) Am I annoying you? Okay, that's an ironic question in the current circumstance.
Kelly: *snatches Mok's wig* I KNEW IT! YOU'RE GOLLUM! WHERE IS THE RING?!
Mok: RrrrrrREOWR!!!
Kelly: AHHHHH!!! GOLLUM HAS POINTY PARTS!
Mok: I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!!!
Me: MOK, mind your blood pressure!
Mok: I'm calm I'm calm. *puts wig back on* But I'm not talking to that... THING any more.
Me: New change of plans. Again. The rest of this interview will be conducted by Zeus, voiced by Brian Blessed.
25) HOW MANY MORE QUESTIONS ARE THERE??
Me: Not counting this one, eleven.
26) WHAT CLASS ARE YOU??
Kelly: Hitman?
27) HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE??
Kelly: One and a half.
28) WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON PIE??
Kelly: Yum.
29) FAVOURITE DRINK??
Kelly: Beer.
30) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE??
Kelly: My butt.
31) ARE YOU INTERESTED IN ANYONE??
Kelly: Derp.
32) DO YOU PLAN TO CLEAN UP THE DEFECATION YOU MADE??!
Kelly: Sure thing boss.
33) WOULD YOU RATHER SWIM IN A LAKE OR IN THE OCEAN??
Kelly: Jaws.
34) WHAT IS YOUR TYPE??
Kelly: Penis.
35) ARE YOU STILL WANTING THIS QUIZ TO END??
Kelly: I dunno.
36) WELL IT'S OVER!!!
Kelly: Y'kay bye.
Caesar: How the hell did he do that?
Me: Brian Blessed.
Mok: I think I lost hearing in my left ear... Next Beethoven? Anyone?
Kelly: I peed my pants.